[It's a wonder how they didn't break the door down. In his defense, he did go to twist the knob, but his hands are slimy and gross and this entire night is going TERRIBLY.]
We both nearly died!
[He's working on the knob again.]
Don't follow me next time.
[It opens, he nearly trips his way in...between weighing against the door and trying to keep Lance out of the opening...]
[ lance doesn't even know what keith is talking about at this point. he's got his elbow stuck in the hole of his shirt like some kind of sling, and even if keith hadn't tripped on the way inside, lance certainly does, and considering how close they were that just means it's one knocking over the other.
they both go down, and pretty hard, and honestly poor allura why does she had to deal with all of this. ]
We can't both use it.
[ he twists over keith, trying to pin the boy down with his free hand, while also trying to scramble back up just in case he needs to rush for the bathroom again, just in case this last-ditch attempt at diplomacy doesn't work. ]
Keith falls pretty hard, and thus enters his tenth concussion since arriving here. There's a groan, he's kinda squinting at Lance, but he's not so injured he'd overlook SEIZING HIM BY THE SHOULDER to prevent a quick escape.]
You're not using it first! By the time you're done, you'll have used all the warm water. It takes you hours!
[He's sitting up and trying to roll Lance onto his back at the same time.]
[ the hand on his shoulder is pretty effective on keeping him still, even as keith surges to sit up straight. he falls back a little just out of reflex, meaning his weight winds up on the tops of keith's thighs instead of his own calves, but he's still trying (in vain) to keep his upper hand (assuming he ever had it) by curling that hand he had pinning keith down around the boy's shirt. ]
First of all, that's disgusting. How the heck are you gonna wash all this junk off in just five minutes? You have so much dumb hair. And second of all, in five minutes alone all my pores are gonna get clogged up and suffocate! Do you want me to get space acne, Keith? Do you? [ no one should, they'll never hear the end of it. ]
You're dirty like 80% of the time anyway — why do you care now!
[Lance is more versed in the art of Shower Care and After Care and During The Bath Care. He knows little about pores and lotion and all of that nonsense. Hearing Lance talk at length about it (yes, this is at length) is tiring. He's not at all interested in hearing about acne, but he is making him feel...a bit...self-conscious.
He's fairly sure he's never carried an odor before, and he's unaware of any skin problems? Fucking animated cartoons.]
We'll have to go in together.
[That's it. That's the only solution. If it weren't, he wouldn't even bring it up.]
[ to be fair, "dirty" to lance can range anywhere from being caked in swamp water and having a light sheen of sweat from a workout. so by those terms, keith is always dirty
in any case, lance just stares at the other boy like he's just grown a second head, and the suggested that they all go clean up together. ]
[ why do you use dick in one sentence then weenie in the next...
anyway lance wants to know nothing about your alien jibblies ok!! what if it has scales or teeth or something. gross...
though keith does bring up a good point. he's definitely going to want to wash this all off first before he even considers taking a bath, because a bath is still totally on the table. he needs to deep cleanse. and if this is gonna be the fastest way to get to that...
it shouldn't be a big deal, right? it's like the locker room during gym. ]
Lance has tried to seduce enough aliens for everyone to know that's a lie. How embarrassing for Lance, wanting to see if his weenie has barbs on it or not...........]
Yeah, whatever.
[He consents while shoving his hand away. In turn, he's stopped trying to shove at the taller paladin. They've...kinda reached an agreement, right? Unless Lance fakes him out here.
Are you excited for concussion number 11 in a dark bathroom?????]
fine. fine! the sooner this happens, the sooner they can both just be done with this mess of an evening (aka early morning), and the sooner lance can get some well-earned beauty sleep. he sighs, releasing keith's shirt and climbing back onto his feet. his boots squelch, but also so do his clothes and that's just. so disgusting. how has he not puked yet.
anyway since they've reached some kind of truce he'll start towards the bathroom with no real worry about who gets there first... sweet, sweet hot water, he's coming for ya. ]
[He stands just after, doesn't even spare a moment to adjust himself (because he's fucking gross all over as well). What he does do, is: closes the front door, since they left it wide open for literally anyone to wander in.
After that, he's just gonna quietly follow Lance. They're like two prisoners of war being lead to their chambers...but they're leading themselves and instead of wartime it's just gaytime.]
anyway, here they go. about to do a totally normal thing. after a totally normal night. no big deal. noooo big deal.
once he enters the bathroom, lance doesn't even bother to turn on the light since they're just going to turn it off anyway. it's not like he really needs to see that much to finish tugging off his wet shirt, which feels about five times heavier from all the marsh it dragged back in. since he's ahead, he can easily keep his back to the other, quietly working on toeing off his boots... and then his pants next, wincing when the zipper is a little too loud. (in reality, it's just that everything else is a little too quiet.) he keep his underwear on for now, kicking the rest of his discarded clothing off to the side. leaning over into the shower stall, he starts the water up, trying to get it to just the right temperature. ]
[He comes in second and hesitates, thinking to flick the light on? But Lance doesn't...so he's torn? Maybe, uh...
Backtracking a tiny bit, he'll turn the hallway light on, then proceed into the bathroom, boots squeaking to mark each step. He'll be shedding those first and foremost; they've been a source of discomfort since they filled with swampass water. He's pointedly ignoring Lance, too. Aware of him to know where he is, exactly, but nothing beyond that. Two bros, stripping in a bathroom five feet apart because they're not gay.]
[ he glances over his shoulder when he hears the light switch flick on, and spares a tight frown keith's way. they agreed no lights! but at least the light from the hallway only barely pools in, casting half-tone shadows in random spots of the bathroom. content enough with that, he turns back around to just. finish stripping down, and then just as quickly slipping into the shower stall. maybe if he gets a head-start, he can finish before keith even gets in. (haha fat chance)
he debates on which way to face for a full minute, not sure which one would ensure less eye contact. in the end, he faces the front, letting his face tip up towards the spray of the shower to try and wash what he can from his hair and face. ]
[Conditioner has to it in your hair for at least two minutes, that's fifteen in Lance Beauty Care Time. (LBCT for short). Keith's undressing with less reservation; not because he's been naked enough in front of BOTH roommates at this point where it ain't even a thing. The...entire process isn't a big deal. Acting odd about it will only make it odd.
He is, deep down, a liiiiiiiiittle bit nervous, which says a lot. Keith doesn't usually get nervous. Any survival skill he should possess has been replaced with CHARGE IN HEAD FIRST.
Which is practically what he does, shoving the curtain aside and almost walking directly into Lance. Shows how much he'd been paying attention. More importantly...]
Why do you get to face the spray?!
[Of course he'd pick the good spot. The fact that his whole ass and pebis is out matters so little now. Like, remember when nazis ran over that girl or are we still losing it over antifa?]
[ frankly, it's better this way. the arguing, that is, because it at least gives lance something to focus all this weird energy on, and not, for example, the sudden weird urge to look down and then maybe do something about it.
so have a glare tossed your way, keith, just a little diluted by the water pattering down over the side of his face. [
You snooze, you lose, mullet.
[ a true sign of just how desperate he is for a confrontation if it'll be a suitable distraction: his regression into tired old taunts. ]
[There's a lingering glare; he's so much more than a mullet.
He's not getting any more endeared to standing there outside of the tub; the floor's cold and he stinks. Once he's sure he's reached a suitable quota of glaretime (read as: gotten his point accross, except Lance is a pain and will incur his wrath again in no time) he's stepping in behind Lance, facing the wall, arms crossed...
HE'S BARELY GETTING ANY WATER?]
Just move the nozzle, you're taking up the whole tub.
[While reaching for the shampoo, which is entirely useless unless he can get his hair soaked in clean, neutral-smelling water rather than the triple-E contaminant currently in his hair.]
[ how can he take up the whole tub, he's a noodle?? don't be so unreasonable, keith, that's lance's job.
case in point: he totally freaks out when he sees that hand come out of nowhere (except not really out of nowhere, since it's very obviously coming from behind him, at his side) and he yelps, nearly jumping away from it. ]
Hey hey hey [ abuhbuhbuhbuh ] stay on your side of the tub!
[ in his panic, he just swipes up the nearest bottle (it's his shampoo, cries) and shoves into the blindly groping hand. ]
[why would you abba him in this thread, in this tub? The Gasp™ happens followed by permanently furrowed brows.
At least he gets some shampoo out of it.
Also, he's not TECHNICALLY taking up most of the tub, no, he's just in direct line of the shower and it's making Keith upset.]
Thanks.
[Flat, but relieved. Not to suggest he's satisfied just with Lance's Patchouli Real Silk Shampoo. He's gonna back up and, more or less, shove himself against Lance in the most lewd of hipchecks just to access some of that water more precisely. It's a hipceck with his butt....there was some shoulder involvement too. Just get out of the way for a minute, Lance.]
[ suddenly butts?! touching?! only for like half a second, sure, but it still counts! and it's a total no-no!
he stumbles forward; thankfully there isn't much room to actually trip forward or anything, but he does lose balance for a second, only able to catch himself by slamming both hands on the opposite wall. ]
[Oh look at this, full access to waterflow. He's gonna take advantage of that, making sure to fully soak his head and shoulders (knees and toes, knees and toes) while Lance experiences a surge of gay panic.]
I wasn't touching you. [At least he seems completely distracted from the brownish swamp colored water flowing between their feet and swirling down the drain, which would have been the next thing he'd have to hear about...probably. He's a dainty girl deep down inside.] I told you, you're in the way.
[All's well, however. He's already stepping out of the spray to soap up his hair. Of course, he'll have to bump him again in a second...but for now their kingdom can experience some peace. On the other hand, Keith should maybe be less picky about who's standing where on principle of him suggesting this arrangement to begin with.]
[ if anything, keith's blase attitude about this whole thing only serves to further anger lance... which is honestly a much more preferred reaction than anything else that could be incited by the idea of a naked keith standing less than a foot away from him.
he grits his teeth, resolving to just bear with it for a few seconds. he's quick to remind himself keith takes like one minute to clean up, because he's actually a caveman. but a second later he gets a waft of a familiar scent — coconut and argan oil. (or the alien equivalent of them...) ]
Hey! That's mine!
[ despite having handed it to him himself, lance twists around, snatching the bottle from keith's hand to hold it protectively against his chest. ]
You're gonna use it all up trying to salvage that mess on your head...
[Keith's in the middle of single-handedly kneading his mullet with that stank ass shampoo when Lance snatches it back. There's an over the shoulder glance, an upward tug at the corner of his lips...]
I was finished with it anyway.
[Nearly complete without a chuckle. He does end up laughing midway through, because consistently owning Lance isn't something he does often. The setting somehow enhances the stupidity of it all.
Lance made him laugh in the same thread where he talked about his probably-dead family, and over how ugly his mullet is.]
[ NEXT TIME, HE SAYS which lance is wholeheartedly ignoring right now, thanks. there are more important things to be doing than having a gay panic over some distant, hypothetical situation.
such has having one about a current, very real situation, because when was even the last time keith laughed like that?
no no, there's no time for this!! he has to get clean, and get out, so he can curl up in bed and forget this night ever even happened. he's sorry billy, but you must remain a bleak moment in his past now. ]
Just for that, you can get the soap yourself.
[ HMPH. turning back around, lance goes about the sacred ritual of lathering up his hair, counting to three whole minutes while steadily massaging his fingers against his scalp, because self-care is important kids. ]
[Jeeze louise. Lance is the only one freaking out about shower essentials and trying to arrange who gets what and how. It's dark enough...it's fine.
In the middle of Lance's forty-five minute hair lathering technique, Keith's turned around to try and catch water between cupped hands, using whatever he can to rinse at his hair. Lance may've tried to establish a no touching rule, and while the tub's big enough to handle a full grown golden retriever (ish), it isn't that convenient. This isn't the Ritz. He may bump him with an elbow in one of his final collections.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
i plan on it
We both nearly died!
[He's working on the knob again.]
Don't follow me next time.
[It opens, he nearly trips his way in...between weighing against the door and trying to keep Lance out of the opening...]
✂
they both go down, and pretty hard, and honestly poor allura why does she had to deal with all of this. ]
We can't both use it.
[ he twists over keith, trying to pin the boy down with his free hand, while also trying to scramble back up just in case he needs to rush for the bathroom again, just in case this last-ditch attempt at diplomacy doesn't work. ]
Okay, okay, how's this — rock, paper, scissors?
snip ya balls off
Keith falls pretty hard, and thus enters his tenth concussion since arriving here. There's a groan, he's kinda squinting at Lance, but he's not so injured he'd overlook SEIZING HIM BY THE SHOULDER to prevent a quick escape.]
You're not using it first! By the time you're done, you'll have used all the warm water. It takes you hours!
[He's sitting up and trying to roll Lance onto his back at the same time.]
I'll only be five minutes.
my blueballs
First of all, that's disgusting. How the heck are you gonna wash all this junk off in just five minutes? You have so much dumb hair. And second of all, in five minutes alone all my pores are gonna get clogged up and suffocate! Do you want me to get space acne, Keith? Do you? [ no one should, they'll never hear the end of it. ]
You're dirty like 80% of the time anyway — why do you care now!
away they go
He's fairly sure he's never carried an odor before, and he's unaware of any skin problems? Fucking animated cartoons.]
We'll have to go in together.
[That's it. That's the only solution. If it weren't, he wouldn't even bring it up.]
bye...
in any case, lance just stares at the other boy like he's just grown a second head, and the suggested that they all go clean up together. ]
I'm not taking a bath with you! We're not six!
[ because that's the main issue here.......... ]
oyasumi
I didn't say we were gonna take a bath together!
[Baths and showers are TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Taking a bath would be weird. Lance would hate it at first, then try to compare weenie sizes.]
I meant we could just shower at the same time and get it over with....at the same time.
[Hmph.]
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anyway lance wants to know nothing about your alien jibblies ok!! what if it has scales or teeth or something. gross...
though keith does bring up a good point. he's definitely going to want to wash this all off first before he even considers taking a bath, because a bath is still totally on the table. he needs to deep cleanse. and if this is gonna be the fastest way to get to that...
it shouldn't be a big deal, right? it's like the locker room during gym. ]
Can we turn the lights off?
[ avoid any accidental space peen flashing... ]
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Lance has tried to seduce enough aliens for everyone to know that's a lie. How embarrassing for Lance, wanting to see if his weenie has barbs on it or not...........]
Yeah, whatever.
[He consents while shoving his hand away. In turn, he's stopped trying to shove at the taller paladin. They've...kinda reached an agreement, right? Unless Lance fakes him out here.
Are you excited for concussion number 11 in a dark bathroom?????]
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fine. fine! the sooner this happens, the sooner they can both just be done with this mess of an evening (aka early morning), and the sooner lance can get some well-earned beauty sleep. he sighs, releasing keith's shirt and climbing back onto his feet. his boots squelch, but also so do his clothes and that's just. so disgusting. how has he not puked yet.
anyway since they've reached some kind of truce he'll start towards the bathroom with no real worry about who gets there first... sweet, sweet hot water, he's coming for ya. ]
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After that, he's just gonna quietly follow Lance. They're like two prisoners of war being lead to their chambers...but they're leading themselves and instead of wartime it's just gaytime.]
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anyway, here they go. about to do a totally normal thing. after a totally normal night. no big deal. noooo big deal.
once he enters the bathroom, lance doesn't even bother to turn on the light since they're just going to turn it off anyway. it's not like he really needs to see that much to finish tugging off his wet shirt, which feels about five times heavier from all the marsh it dragged back in. since he's ahead, he can easily keep his back to the other, quietly working on toeing off his boots... and then his pants next, wincing when the zipper is a little too loud. (in reality, it's just that everything else is a little too quiet.) he keep his underwear on for now, kicking the rest of his discarded clothing off to the side. leaning over into the shower stall, he starts the water up, trying to get it to just the right temperature. ]
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Backtracking a tiny bit, he'll turn the hallway light on, then proceed into the bathroom, boots squeaking to mark each step. He'll be shedding those first and foremost; they've been a source of discomfort since they filled with swampass water. He's pointedly ignoring Lance, too. Aware of him to know where he is, exactly, but nothing beyond that. Two bros, stripping in a bathroom five feet apart because they're not gay.]
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he debates on which way to face for a full minute, not sure which one would ensure less eye contact. in the end, he faces the front, letting his face tip up towards the spray of the shower to try and wash what he can from his hair and face. ]
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He is, deep down, a liiiiiiiiittle bit nervous, which says a lot. Keith doesn't usually get nervous. Any survival skill he should possess has been replaced with CHARGE IN HEAD FIRST.
Which is practically what he does, shoving the curtain aside and almost walking directly into Lance. Shows how much he'd been paying attention. More importantly...]
Why do you get to face the spray?!
[Of course he'd pick the good spot. The fact that his whole ass and pebis is out matters so little now. Like, remember when nazis ran over that girl or are we still losing it over antifa?]
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so have a glare tossed your way, keith, just a little diluted by the water pattering down over the side of his face. [
You snooze, you lose, mullet.
[ a true sign of just how desperate he is for a confrontation if it'll be a suitable distraction: his regression into tired old taunts. ]
Might as well just wait till I'm done.
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He's not getting any more endeared to standing there outside of the tub; the floor's cold and he stinks. Once he's sure he's reached a suitable quota of glaretime (read as: gotten his point accross, except Lance is a pain and will incur his wrath again in no time) he's stepping in behind Lance, facing the wall, arms crossed...
HE'S BARELY GETTING ANY WATER?]
Just move the nozzle, you're taking up the whole tub.
[While reaching for the shampoo, which is entirely useless unless he can get his hair soaked in clean, neutral-smelling water rather than the triple-E contaminant currently in his hair.]
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case in point: he totally freaks out when he sees that hand come out of nowhere (except not really out of nowhere, since it's very obviously coming from behind him, at his side) and he yelps, nearly jumping away from it. ]
Hey hey hey [ abuhbuhbuhbuh ] stay on your side of the tub!
[ in his panic, he just swipes up the nearest bottle (it's his shampoo, cries) and shoves into the blindly groping hand. ]
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At least he gets some shampoo out of it.
Also, he's not TECHNICALLY taking up most of the tub, no, he's just in direct line of the shower and it's making Keith upset.]
Thanks.
[Flat, but relieved. Not to suggest he's satisfied just with Lance's Patchouli Real Silk Shampoo. He's gonna back up and, more or less, shove himself against Lance in the most lewd of hipchecks just to access some of that water more precisely. It's a hipceck with his butt....there was some shoulder involvement too. Just get out of the way for a minute, Lance.]
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[ suddenly butts?! touching?! only for like half a second, sure, but it still counts! and it's a total no-no!
he stumbles forward; thankfully there isn't much room to actually trip forward or anything, but he does lose balance for a second, only able to catch himself by slamming both hands on the opposite wall. ]
Okay, new rule! No touching! Never any touching!!
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[Oh look at this, full access to waterflow. He's gonna take advantage of that, making sure to fully soak his head and shoulders (knees and toes, knees and toes) while Lance experiences a surge of gay panic.]
I wasn't touching you. [At least he seems completely distracted from the brownish swamp colored water flowing between their feet and swirling down the drain, which would have been the next thing he'd have to hear about...probably. He's a dainty girl deep down inside.] I told you, you're in the way.
[All's well, however. He's already stepping out of the spray to soap up his hair. Of course, he'll have to bump him again in a second...but for now their kingdom can experience some peace. On the other hand, Keith should maybe be less picky about who's standing where on principle of him suggesting this arrangement to begin with.]
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he grits his teeth, resolving to just bear with it for a few seconds. he's quick to remind himself keith takes like one minute to clean up, because he's actually a caveman. but a second later he gets a waft of a familiar scent — coconut and argan oil. (or the alien equivalent of them...) ]
Hey! That's mine!
[ despite having handed it to him himself, lance twists around, snatching the bottle from keith's hand to hold it protectively against his chest. ]
You're gonna use it all up trying to salvage that mess on your head...
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I was finished with it anyway.
[Nearly complete without a chuckle. He does end up laughing midway through, because consistently owning Lance isn't something he does often. The setting somehow enhances the stupidity of it all.
Lance made him laugh in the same thread where he talked about his probably-dead family, and over how ugly his mullet is.]
Don't give it to me next time.
[NEXT TIME, HE SAYS.]
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such has having one about a current, very real situation, because when was even the last time keith laughed like that?
no no, there's no time for this!! he has to get clean, and get out, so he can curl up in bed and forget this night ever even happened. he's sorry billy, but you must remain a bleak moment in his past now. ]
Just for that, you can get the soap yourself.
[ HMPH. turning back around, lance goes about the sacred ritual of lathering up his hair, counting to three whole minutes while steadily massaging his fingers against his scalp, because self-care is important kids. ]
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[Jeeze louise. Lance is the only one freaking out about shower essentials and trying to arrange who gets what and how. It's dark enough...it's fine.
In the middle of Lance's forty-five minute hair lathering technique, Keith's turned around to try and catch water between cupped hands, using whatever he can to rinse at his hair. Lance may've tried to establish a no touching rule, and while the tub's big enough to handle a full grown golden retriever (ish), it isn't that convenient. This isn't the Ritz. He may bump him with an elbow in one of his final collections.]
-- Sorry.
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